And We Are Back

This week was our first week back. As much normal people don't want to go back to school… I don't know how you would possibly want to miss this week! Dr. Josh Straub came to speak. He is defiantly a great way to start this last portion of our year. He has a passion about "The Millennials" which just so happens to be what category I fall into. On top of him showing us research about our generation, that I could hardly believe some of (because it's so ridiculously true), God also talked through him particualy to me. This week I haven't decided quite yet if I want to call it a struggle with feeling worthless, or just realizing that I have felt I am not worth it to people for a while now. Either way, this week that came out of the shadows of my heart and made itself known in my life. It came out of the darkness just in time for Josh to shine some light on the issue though. We went through the way that each person handles conflict. Some people are Avoidant and others turn to Anxiousness. I myself am as anxious as it gets. He talked about how the anxious are afraid they aren't good enough, they want to please people over themselves, the relationship at stake is so important that they are simply afraid of losing the relationship because they don't think the other person is willing to put the effort into the relationship. An anxious person is one who is very behavior based, if I say this and make them mad… they will just leave rather than fight… when all the anxious person wants is someone that will fight for them. I obviously related quite a lot. I realized that in all this, I am more insecure in things that I find important than what I thought. In the relationships that I have had fights, and made it through… those are the relationships that stick out to me that I don't have to worry about. The disagreements made us understand each other better, and MADE us work with each other when we didn't want to. With my siblings, (regardless if I am close with any on them) I know that they will be there, we have done life together and have lots of ups and downs that made us understand who each one of us are. With my parents, I like to think I state my own when in conflict with them yet, I can still see myself shying away because I don't want to lose something. With my friends I see this characteristics the most. I value my friendships more than anything, the friends I have are such a blessing that I couldn't even begin to describe. That being said, when conflict arises (which is bound to happen in life) I know what I have to lose, so I sometimes decides it isn't worth an argument because in the back of my head I am not convinced that they believe I am worth staying at all. This week Ive been asking God to stop letting me have so much self pity. I hate putting myself in the light, where I am all I am concerned about but when issues arise in ourselves, there isn't much to do but fight for you. I realized that this insecurity is a lie that I have chosen to believe straight from the enemy. Choosing to believe that "I AM NOT WORTH IT" is so selfish. It is slapping Christ in the face and saying "only you dying for me wasn't enough, I need more." I realized that I have become numb to what the gift that Christ so graciously  gave me really entailed. So this week, Ive prayed to lose the self pity, and to start opening my eyes to just how hard that gift was, and how worth it He thought I was to give it to me. This week has been a challenge mentally, but physically so fun. We have had a great time all catching up, from swing speed dating to birthday parties in the dorms, to family dinners, to playing blackjack in the Ala, to watching the Bachelor in the workout room. This has been a great week to see God work.